Sins Against Singles: How the church is failing singles within it's community

“Come back and see us when you’re married.”

         For many millennials (ages 18-29) this is the perceived attitude in the church. Several articles have been released recently (one by Slate and one by The Atlantic, among others) wondering why those same millennials are getting married at the oldest average age in the history of the United States. To some like my friend Drew who married young, it was a pushback against a society that tells you it’s simply better to wait until you’re done with college and have a career before you get married.

How does that look for Christians? What if there is a pushback within a pushback? While society also tells us it’s more beneficial to wait until you’re older to marry, the church has done the same thing. The church, intentionally or not, has sinned against its singles. A number of ministries are geared toward members of the church who are married or have children. With more and more people waiting until they have a career and finish college to get married, the church has for years now geared activities towards those people because they have the money and means to support the church.

            Many churches care about the singles within their church; they just care for the wrong reasons. I believe that life is full of seasons. One of the most important in the life of any Christian is the period of singleness. This is when you develop who you are and set goals for who you want to become. The problem is the Christian church as a whole has not taken this approach. In The United Methodist Church, we provide outstanding youth ministry, but when those youth go away to college, we lose them. It’s no surprise that as we cut back funding for Wesley Foundations and campus ministries across the country and depend on the local church to minister to college-aged students, many of whom are the “singles” the church needs, that millennials leave the church at an alarming rate because we are not funding the ministries during such a vital time for millennials effectively.

              Most of us who were plugged into a local church for college and the time thereafter experienced these efforts first hand. The problem is that many churches treat these singles as if they are “broken.” I once heard a woman remark to her daughters after meeting an 18-year-old young man who was single, “18 and not married? What a shame.” It’s this attitude that permeates our churches and causes these sins against the singles.

               Here’s what I mean: If you visit the average large United Methodist church in a decent-sized city there will undoubtedly be some type of singles or college-aged ministry. The problem with these ministries is in their goals. While invitations to singles groups at church are often done with the best intentions, the groups end up resembling a Christian dating website. If you sit in on one of these ministries, you will often find it run by a married person with or without their significant other. You will often find the group studying books like “The Five Love Languages.” You may also find the group doing Bible study about what qualities you need to learn or exhibit to be a “good Godly man or woman” that someone would “want to marry.”

                 It ultimately comes back to the goals of the church. Whether the church will acknowledge it or not, our activities are simply not friendly toward singles looking to get involved in a community of faith. That’s why the churches with the biggest singles and college-aged student involvement are the ones that invite them to be the body of Christ without having to “fix” them. They are the churches that plan longer mission trips so someone who is single with no family or child attachments can go for a long-term mission. They are the churches that plan local, inexpensive mission projects where singles and college-aged students can give back their God-given talents if they aren’t financially stable. They develop singles who are equally happy and developed single or in a relationship. They avoid the trap of hosting a singles group only to try and get those in the group down the aisle with a ring on their finger.

                   Many in the church will say we have neglected the older generations in an effort to reach the millennials. It’s actually the opposite. The biggest relational sin the church currently engages in is making singles feel as if they can’t contribute to the community and be part of the body of Christ because they aren’t married with kids. The ones who are pointed toward the married couple that sits in the front pew, has been married for 40 years, comes every Sunday, and tithes more than 10 percent and told, “That is who you should want to be like.” Marriage is not the end goal of Christianity. Developing a deep relationship with Christ that forms and molds you into a Disciple of Christ that works to bring His kingdom is the goal of Christianity, not marriage. Marriage allows you a partner along the way to accomplish this goal who you can love as Christ loves His church

                      We must view singles as equals in ministry, walk alongside and guide them toward Christ and what Christ calls us to — not what we think is success. Admit we are all broken but that being single isn’t one way we’re broken. Realize that the humble Rabbi from Nazareth we follow was single until his death in his 30s, and he and his 12 friends managed to do outstanding ministry in that time. We all have a role in the ministry of the body of Christ and part of that ministry is to allow singles to provide as much of a faithful witness as those who are married with kids. We must stop systematically ignoring what is for most people a huge season of their life. Being single does not mean you’re less of a member of the church. It doesn’t mean you’re broken and in need of fixing. It doesn’t mean you “just haven’t met The One yet.” It means that this is a season in your life, and as with all seasons of our lives, combined with the grace of the powerful God who we serve, great things can happen.