Confession. I have trust issues. Not so much trust issues as much as jealous issues that lead to trust issues. I've been sick today so I haven't done much. When I don't do much my mind races so I play on facebook or video games to distract me unless I feel like being particularly pensive. I started to notice an increased number of engagement announcements on my facebook news feed. I started to notice people with boyfriend and girlfriends who were previously single. I began to feel jealous. I caught myself making unfair comparisons and saying mean things in my head about people who were my friends. I began to think thoughts like "What? That guy is a complete ass to women. How does he have a girlfriend while i'm still single?" These are not fair questions to ask. You see when you don't trust in God guiding you in the right direction, you begin to be unthankful for what you have. You begin to experience jealously. Ultimately for me this is a lesson in trust. Now I am a firm believer in free will. I don't believe that God lays out every single minute of every day for you. I believe God knows all that but doesn't make the choices for you. I do however believe if you take a destructive path that leads you away from things that God does have planned for your life God will do everything within His power to get you back. Ultimately it comes to trusting that faith. Trusting that the grace of God is sufficient. Trusting that if there is a desire that God has put on your heart it's there for a reason. I began to think about this as I mumbled through idle conversation with my barber. As the barber removed the hot towel from my neck to use the straight razor on my neck, I began to think of how much the trust required in this resembles the trust required of God. As I said on my twitter when you as a man let your barber take a straight razor to your face, you're basically gambling he or she is not going to go all Sweeney Todd on your neck.
In order to get the great feeling of a straight razor shave you need that level of trust (it's an amazing feeling by the way.That's for another time though). God is a lot like that. It takes trusting in God to know that you're not being led astray. John Wesley used to say (paraphrasing) that any good in a man and from a man comes from God alone. I fight so hard sometimes not to fall into the traps of jealousy and lack of trust. It's hard to have the desire to share your life with someone and it seems like everyone else around you is having such joy while you haven't been in a serious relationship since Bush was President. For me this is a time when I must rest in God alone. I've already seen through my brokenness that I alone can not overcome the feeling of inadequacy, jealousy, and mistrust I experience when struggling with the desire for a relationship. Instead I must learn to trust. I must learn to allow God to place the answers to the touch decisions on my heart so that I can make the choices that will grow me the most and bring Him the greatest glory. What are you turning over to God today.
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