God is not a board game

 "Sometimes we're pushing on the door we want God to open, while his sign says 'Pull'" Martha Bolton

I thrive on organized chaos. To see my room, you would say "he's not very organized", but the truth is I know where every little thing is within my room. I thrive on plans. I've always been told live each day like it's your last, so I try to get as much into one day as I can. This is why I struggle so much with the plan God has for me and my future. These struggles for me often lead to what I call little quarter life crises of faith. Now that's not saying I question my faith, but I simply realize that I'm stepping out on faith and letting God guide me. This scares me to death. Ideally in my world I need a road map. I mean it sounds really dramatic, but I want and crave life's version of a board game. I want God to tell me "You've accepted that I have set you aside to serve my people, now go here". When it comes to faith and going where God wants me to go I'd even settle for my organized chaos. I don't need to see the plans for me, but I need to know what and where they are. What i've come to accept in my life is that by living is this life of Christian faith, I must accept that neither the board game or organized chaos are promised. I'm not comfortable with it, but I'm growing to understand that it's essential part of truly stepping out on faith and trusting that God is in control. It seems like the last bastion of myself that I'm holding on to. It's me saying I'll follow you but only if you show me where to go and only if I agree to go that way. In the course of any kind of Christian community you'll probably more than once be asked in a group if anyone has a favorite verse and what it is. I've heard Jeremiah 29:11 more times than I can count.I often have to remind myself that while the Lord promises to prosper, it's not without bumps and turns along the way. I have resorted to simply looking for God and praying for that peace and understanding which only God can produce. This is not something that is easy. I hate relinquishing control especially without some sibilance of what the future holds, but I'm slowly learning I must let go of this control and be unafraid to step into the unknown in order to grow into the man God wishes for me to be.