“Come
back and see us when you’re married.”
For
many millennials (ages 18-29) this is the perceived attitude in the
church. Several articles have been released recently (one by Slate
and one by The
Atlantic, among others) wondering why those same millennials are
getting married at the oldest average age in the history of the
United States. To some like my friend Drew who married young, it was
a pushback against a society that tells you it’s simply better to
wait until you’re done with college and have a career before you
get married.
How
does that look for Christians? What if there is a pushback within a
pushback? While society also tells us it’s more beneficial to wait
until you’re older to marry, the church has done the same thing.
The church, intentionally or not, has sinned against its singles. A
number of ministries are geared toward members of the church who are
married or have children. With more and more people waiting until
they have a career and finish college to get married, the church has
for years now geared activities towards those people because they
have the money and means to support the church.
Many
churches care about the singles within their church; they just care
for the wrong reasons. I believe that life is full of seasons. One of
the most important in the life of any Christian is the period of
singleness. This is when you develop who you are and set goals for
who you want to become. The problem is the Christian church as a
whole has not taken this approach. In The United Methodist Church, we
provide outstanding youth ministry, but when those youth go away to
college, we lose them. It’s no surprise that as we cut back funding
for Wesley Foundations and campus ministries across the country and
depend on the local church to minister to college-aged students, many
of whom are the “singles” the church needs, that millennials
leave the church at an alarming rate because we are not funding the
ministries during such a vital time for millennials effectively.
Most
of us who were plugged into a local church for college and the time
thereafter experienced these efforts first hand. The problem is that
many churches treat these singles as if they are “broken.” I once
heard a woman remark to her daughters after meeting an 18-year-old
young man who was single, “18 and not married? What a shame.”
It’s this attitude that permeates our churches and causes these
sins against the singles.
Here’s
what I mean: If you visit the average large United Methodist church
in a decent-sized city there will undoubtedly be some type of singles
or college-aged ministry. The problem with these ministries is in
their goals. While invitations to singles groups at church are often
done with the best intentions, the groups end up resembling a
Christian dating website. If you sit in on one of these ministries,
you will often find it run by a married person with or without their
significant other. You will often find the group studying books like
“The Five Love Languages.” You may also find the group doing
Bible study about what qualities you need to learn or exhibit to be a
“good Godly man or woman” that someone would “want to marry.”
It
ultimately comes back to the goals of the church. Whether the church
will acknowledge it or not, our activities are simply not friendly
toward singles looking to get involved in a community of faith.
That’s why the churches with the biggest singles and college-aged
student involvement are the ones that invite them to be the body of
Christ without having to “fix” them. They are the churches that
plan longer mission trips so someone who is single with no family or
child attachments can go for a long-term mission. They are the
churches that plan local, inexpensive mission projects where singles
and college-aged students can give back their God-given talents if
they aren’t financially stable. They develop singles who are
equally happy and developed single or in a relationship. They avoid
the trap of hosting a singles group only to try and get those in the
group down the aisle with a ring on their finger.
Many
in the church will say we have neglected the older generations in an
effort to reach the millennials. It’s actually the opposite. The
biggest relational sin the church currently engages in is making
singles feel as if they can’t contribute to the community and be
part of the body of Christ because they aren’t married with kids.
The ones who are pointed toward the married couple that sits in the
front pew, has been married for 40 years, comes every Sunday, and
tithes more than 10 percent and told, “That is who you should want
to be like.” Marriage is not the end goal of Christianity.
Developing a deep relationship with Christ that forms and molds you
into a Disciple of Christ that works to bring His kingdom is the goal
of Christianity, not marriage. Marriage allows you a partner along
the way to accomplish this goal who you can love as Christ loves His
church
We
must view singles as equals in ministry, walk alongside and guide
them toward Christ and what Christ calls us to — not what we think
is success. Admit we are all broken but that being single isn’t one
way we’re broken. Realize that the humble Rabbi from Nazareth we
follow was single until his death in his 30s, and he and his 12
friends managed to do outstanding ministry in that time. We all have
a role in the ministry of the body of Christ and part of that
ministry is to allow singles to provide as much of a faithful witness
as those who are married with kids. We must stop systematically
ignoring what is for most people a huge season of their life. Being
single does not mean you’re less of a member of the church. It
doesn’t mean you’re broken and in need of fixing. It doesn’t
mean you “just haven’t met The One yet.” It means that this is
a season in your life, and as with all seasons of our lives, combined
with the grace of the powerful God who we serve, great things can
happen.
