Confessions

So Ally Spotts has a wonderful blog series going on over at her blog. It's about confession. In it her and several of her friends offer up their 20 something confessions and encourage others to do the same. It's really uplifting to see people confess their deepest darkest stains in such a public way. So I decided to jump in the fun. Hopefully it's as freeing for me as it has been for others. This is gonna be a long post so if you don't like reading you might want to stop clicking now.


I hate having to seem like I have it all together
I often feel like so many people depend on me I can't show the slightest sign of a chink in the armor otherwise it will all come crashing down around me. I like that people depend on me and can't stand the idea of not living up to expectations.

Like most men of my generation I've struggled with pornography
It's not pretty and not something to tell the world, but it's past time of being ashamed about it. If I've learned anything on my faith journey it's that God's grace is big enough to overcome anything. It's still a daily struggle with so much sex throw at guys every single day on tv, in music, and in print.

I often catch myself rooting for people to fail
It's painful to type, but I often get so angry with my perceived weakness or ways I feel God has slighted me. I catch myself rooting against people who I think have it all to fall and stumble so I can feel like I'm not such a failure.  Sometimes someone's life I perceive to be affecting my happiness so I fight the part of me that refuses to be happy for them.

I absolutely suck at relationships.
Simple true and honest fact. I suck at them. I didn't have a father to teach me about relationships. My grandfather taught me everything about the opposite sex I know but cancer claimed him before I got to the point that I really needed his advice. I've sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in because my lack of paternal influence kept me from knowing how to make a relationship work. I mean my father was a drug addict and alcoholic so it's not like he would have been much help but still.

I have low self worth
One of the reasons for bad relationships and the struggles with pornography is low self worth. I always judge myself on the 10 scale and have never learned to be completely happy with my image. Often when I find a girl that I really like I don't have enough confidence to ask her out because I don't think I'm worthy and secretly fear she will reject me. I often find out girls I really like were really crushing on me but I didn't pull the trigger and ask them out so I'm left struggling with missed opportunity.

My single greatest fear is not failure but that I'll end up like my father
I have lots of fears. Failure, Death, missed opportunity just to name a few, but my greatest fear is ending up like my father. I fear that I will fall flat on my face and end up being the very man I've worked all my life not to be. I still continue to pay for his absence in my life and what exactly that means for my life and my relationships with those around me. 

I've learned that God is big enough to deal with all my doubts, fears, hopes, and dreams
Regardless of all the good and bad I've typed here I've learned God is bigger than any and all of it. It's only through his grace and mercy I'm able to deal with all of these issues. It's only through him that I rise to see the morning waking up with hope instead of fear and timidity.